Do you find sometimes that when you are doing well or feeling amazing that you question it? That you hold yourself slightly back to prevent disappointment later, because it might just be too good to be true? Well, I had this bad habit for the longest time. Sometimes, I still catch myself going there, and of course immediately course correct. For I’ve learned that’s not too good to be true, but that’s how it’s supposed to be… Enjoy it when you feel it!
I also learned how to create this feeling and how to sustain it… This is not bragging, for this is the point of my work… This is sharing the cracked code!
I have been sharing about all aspects of this overtime, but for today’s issue I want to highlight select tactics to help you start, or continue, to create and sustain feeling amazing for yourself. But before we jump in, Why is feeling amazing important aside from the obvious? Because when we feel good, we can create our successful relationship and meaningful life…
We can’t possibly do these any justice when we go at them from a state of deprivation, exhaustion, lack, trigger, fear, ego and the like. It behooves us to take care of our stuff so we feel amazing in order to live our Best Life.
Note, people strive for achieving certain goals in pursuit of Happiness, feeling good, feeling amazing… But as I’ve shared before, Happiness is a choice, an ongoing practice, a part of the Journey, not the destination.
You can achieve goals and still not feel good. When you take care of feeling good, and I’m not talking about empty pleasures, then you’ve got a chance at creating your dream relationship with your partner and the life you desire. Feeling amazing is an inside job and a prerequisite for a life well lived, not the other way around…
If you are still feeling dissatisfied, empty, stuck, behind, betrayed, let down, disappointed, and such it is imperative that you shift how you look at life and your existence.
If you get sick frequently, have a chronic diagnosis, have a hard time sleeping, are under or over weight, live in a mediocre environment, have financial challenges, are struggling in your relationship, have difficulties with your children, are not making headways in your job, career or business, or just don’t feel right – it’s time to shift how you look at and approach things…
This is an inside job that you have to do, nobody else can do it for you. Stop blaming how you were raised, your circumstances, your partner, your boss, your neighbor, your mail-carrier, your dog or cat… It’s about nothing and nobody else but you…
Do you want to feel amazing, have a dreamy relationship and a rocking life? It’s all in your own beautiful hands. You have ALL the power, and don’t you dare believe otherwise… Call me if you do, and I’ll set you straight! (wink)
SO, let’s get to it. Here are tactics from our Success Strategies to help you feel amazing and creating your Best Life. To get you moving in the right direction with ease, joy and delight:
BE THE BOSS OF YOU (1) – If you are not in charge of yourself, you are giving your power away… When you give your power away, you are disempowered to feel and create what you want.
You are at others’ mercy – their whims, feelings, needs, preferences, choices, etc. You allow yourself to be blown with the win. You don’t get what you want no matter how much you address it, complain or yell about it. This is not about demanding respect from others in an attempt to get your power back… You have to take it, you have to own it…
Taking your power back is not about being a jerk, mean or aggressive. Taking your power back means setting boundaries that you uphold. The boundaries are for you! I remember an exchange with a client when this concept finally clicked for her. She couldn’t believe that all this time she had been trying to enforce consequences on her partner… Like “punishing a child”…
No, having consequences just means there is a result to the situation that is an Intentional Outcome set and carried out by you… You decide and stick to if you’ll participate in something, if you’ll pick up slack, if you’ll extend deadlines, if you’ll leave on time, if you’ll get in the car, if you’ll continue to engage in a conversation, if you’ll keep the job or the client, if you’ll go on that vacation, etc…
You see, you decide what YOU will and will not do depending on what is happening – the boundary is for you, you can enforce this… You cannot enforce anything on your partner, or others… This is a powerful concept. Once you fully embrace this, everything becomes a breeze – I promise.
STOP FIGHTING (2) – Fighting with your partner is the surest way to set the relationship back, even if just temporarily. I’m not talking about disagreeing. You will disagree. This is perfectly normal, and actually desired…
You can’t possibly agree on everything all the time, for you are two separate individuals which automatically implies having differences. This is good, this is part of the Journey… Having differences creates curiosity, interest and spark in the relationship…
Disagreements are a part of being with someone else. It’s what we do with the differences and how we manage the disagreements that is important. Allowing a disagreement to become a fight and allowing the fight to get out of hand is extremely detrimental to the relationship. It is like putting a knife to your Bond…
It takes a while to repair this cut and come back from it. This approach to relating is such a waste of resources. You set yourself back every time you have to invest on getting back to where you started from. And, you have to do this before you can get to anything else.
Sometimes people don’t get to anything else at all because they are constantly trying to regroup… They insist on allowing disagreements to get out of hand and then they pay the price. They get stuck with the status quo at best, or actually go backwards with frequent transgressions than don’t allow for regrouping… After a while, it’s impossible to come back, never mind create something amazing…
Stop being stubborn and going about interactions to prove your point and make your partner wrong. Nothing good comes of it. And, by the way, you are usually both right… Sorry, to break it to you. Do you want to prove you are right, or do you want to create a successful relationship? There are different ways to go about meeting your needs, being heard, seen, understood and the rest of it. Being logical and proving your case isn’t one of them.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF (3) – When we don’t feel good, have unmet needs, are easily triggered, and are a walking sourpuss where we can’t even stand ourselves, something needs to give. These are indications that we are not properly taking care of ourselves. And, it is our job to take care of ourselves. Nobody else will, nor should they.
What does taking care of ourselves mean? It means taking care of our physical, emotional, intellectual, and social needs. It means minding our spirituality. It means learning how to self-regulate, address unfinished business / heal wounds, grow and integrate ourselves, appropriately address triggers, being mindful not to trigger our partner and cocreate old patterns, it means being proactive about our wellbeing.
It means going the extra mile to make sure we operate from our Best Self. It means we commit to becoming our most Authentic Self, to Becoming who we are and beyond…
It means we take all this to the next level and hack ourselves for a superhuman experience… It means we fully embrace the body within our spirit and milk it for all it has to offer… This means really caring for ourselves all around… And, this takes on a gazillion forms. The trick is to find what resonates for us and to fully go for it…
GIVE YOUR PARTNER LOVE (4) – This should be simple, right? Just give your partner love. It is interesting how not simple it can become… People get so stuck on their side, their ways, what they want that they completely lose sight of their Partner, and the Relationship. They get stuck on a part of the relationship (themselves) that they miss out on the Whole…
We start all our sessions with Appreciations. Even when partners come in obviously hating each other at the moment. They struggle a bit with this sometimes, but they know the rules and the benefit of this.
They understand that even when they are struggling, even really disliking each other at the moment, that at the end of the day they do like and love each other… Because they are mad at that moment doesn’t mean that the good stuff is no longer there. Doing appreciations even when not in a good place is a good reminder of this… They can keep sight of the forest and not lose it for the tree.
So, regardless of what is happening, always keep your side of the bargain. When in doubt, keep going as if all is as you like… I know it’s challenging when we are triggered and not in a good place. But this is not a reason to throw out the baby with the bath water, to throw out all the skills and commitments, and such. Keep things going, keep investing, stay true to you and your commitment, honor your love and act from it.
When you don’t feel like it, it means you are in your head (your ego is getting the best of you!). Do what it takes to snap out of it and engage your heart. Keep showing your partner you care about them. The consistency rebuilds, builds, as opposed to creating more damage if you were not doing this or doing the opposite for that matter. This investment pays huge dividends.
SYNCHRONIZE (5) – It is terrible to feel overrun by all the commitments and demands of life, especially if we have children and have their lives to manage as well. Life can get hectic, spin out of control and takes us down if we let it. This is not the life we came to live. This is not a life well-lived. What is the point of having it all if all is kicking our butt.
There is a myriad of tools, techniques, systems and such to help us manage our life. But these don’t do us any good if we don’t create the time to learn about them, implement them, integrate them, conquer them. So, the first thing to get a handle and feeling better is to decommit, streamline, and create more space… I write a lot about this because I know how it gets people.
It cracks me up when I work with overwhelmed partners and we address this they refuse to simplify. They have all kinds of logic around their values, interests and things that they use as excuses to maintain their choices. The question becomes, how much do they value their peace of mind, health, harmony and joy in their home. For their approach is not giving them any of these…
After you make yourself simplify, then you manage what’s left with ease by synchronizing with your partner like the gears of a clock. You divide and conquer, having each other’s back, honoring your own and the other’s needs, and operating as a Team…
No going rogue, making assumptions, dropping the ball, not honoring commitments and the like. Have Sunday Synchronization Meetings™ to get on the same page, get current, assign tasks and coverage, confirm schedules, etc.
Nobody ever said creating your Best Life is easy. It doesn’t happen by accident. It happens by Design. It happens through accountability (personal ownership), investment, dedication and perseverance.
Assignment: What Element in your life seems to need attention – Mindset (1), Alignment (2), Dynamics/Patterns (3), Intimacy (4), Partnership (5)?
- Choose the first one that pops out at you. Don’t overthink it. We already know nobody is perfect and you might want to address, tweak or upgrade more than one Element. That’s ok, you can do that but not all at once. You can come back to this for more… For now, focus on the one that stood out to you.
- Make a commitment to clean your side of the street on that Element – do your side of the work, of the investing. Remember you have control and power only over yourself… Do use it, don’t give it away… And, don’t try to control another, it’s just a waste of resources…
- Decide what will be the shift you’ll create, and how you’ll go about it. And, go for it. Consistently. Until you feel the shift…
You can feel amazing, have an amazing relationship and an amazing life. All you have to do is want it and Go For It, until you have it…
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Persevering!
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
