Happy Valentine’s Day Week! Hope you had a lovely day yesterday! If you are celebrating Love this coming weekend, wish you much enjoyment of your connection and your lovey.
There is a very popular topic in our work with couples and intimate partners. And, that is the topic of Compassion. Time and again, this comes up as a block to connection and intimacy. Partners refuse to share what is happening for them, their experience, and their wishes and desires because they don’t feel their partner can stand to hear these… And, they are right. A lot of times, partners can’t tolerate (hear, be with, understand) their partner’s experience…
What happens is that our poor internal boundaries and sense of self, our limited personal differentiation, undermine our connecting ability. How can we fully know another and connect with them if they are intertwined with us? When we are not more personally differentiated we can’t unconsciously differentiate between our self and our partner… We are a joint energetic and emotional blob… This is why projections, internalizing, and such happen.
When we are in an interaction with each other, whatever is being shared feels like our own experience or that it is about us… This is what makes it scary to hear about our partner’s world. Whatever they say stirs up fear about who we are, if we fit in, if we are loved, if we are OK.
Whatever they say is experienced as judgment and blame (shame) because in our jointness it feels like it is about us. To protect ourselves from this extreme discomfort we use our defense mechanism artillery, which in turn create disconnection from each other…
This is beyond uncomfortable for partners. They are a joint blob, but yet feel disconnected. There is a lack of sharing. Yet, when there is sharing there is immense mutual shame, which begets more defenses and so the dissatisfaction cycle goes.
We are wired for story telling and connection… If we truncate the sharing and thus block connection we are not fully embracing our Self, our Aliveness… But please don’t mistake this for dumping or shoving your experience down your partner’s throat (I see this side all too often as well!).
Remember, there is vulnerability in the sharing, but ALSO in the hearing of it… Be gentle… Safety needs to be created for the sharer and the listener… After all you are in this together. You can’t tackle this as if you exist in a vacuum…
When you are the one sharing – tell your story, share your experience, let on to your imperfections by speaking from your heart, with vulnerability, and speaking of yourself (don’t make all this worse by beating on your partner to boot!)
When you are the one listening – listen with your “third ear” – listen with your heart, listen for meaning and intention, listen for the other’s experience (don’t get hang up on words, interpretations and what it means for you or about you…)
AND, sometimes you are the one that is either more ready or more equipped to be gentle, to share, to listen. It is what it is. If that’s you, suck it up and stop being resentful that you are It. There is a reason for your Pairing. Capitalize on your strengths and stop focusing on your Partner’s “weaknesses”. I’m sorry, if this touched a nerve…
This is when you get support for yourself, when you invest on yourself, when you nurture and give yourself what you need. This is not the time to play victim, curl up in a corner or run away. This is the time to put in place what you need so you are fully resourced to take care of business. So you can continue to capitalize on your strengths without feeling drained…
What do you need to do to recharge today, this week, ongoingly? How do you not abandon yourself? How do you give yourself love? If you are huffing at this, you might be missing something… Stay with this, sleep on it, kicking it around, mull it over. This is the key to creating the relationship you desire…
From a more resourced place, comes a stronger sense of self, more ownership, more security and stability, and thus more ability to Be mindful, present and available. Then you can share your story better. Then you can hear your partner’s story better… This is compassion. This is connection and intimacy in the making.
Start by having compassion for yourself!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Sharing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
You can never have too much of a self-care practice… Take stock as to what your practice entails, and step it up a notch. If you are like most people, your Practice is probably dismal and you are still giving excuses as to why… If you have a pretty good one and still find life challenging, you might need to either step it up or change it up… Make sure you are getting what you need!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
