One would think that connecting with our partner is an easy feat. After all they are the one person we are supposed to be the most intimate with. This is most often not the case and we are actually not that intimate. I find that couples have a very difficult time connecting, feeling connected and staying connected, and their efforts at connecting sometimes create even more distance between them. It doesn't have to be this way.

First, we need to become aware of some of the ways we sabotage our attempts to connect and set ourselves up to be disconnected:

1. Being too busy
2. Placing our partner down on the priority list
3. Allowing other people and things to eat up our time and energy
4. Dismissing our partner's attempt at closeness
5. Giving our partner negative attention and criticism
6. Setting up interactions and situations that typically annoy or hurt our partner
7. Withdrawing attention and affection
8. Demanding closeness, attention and caring
9. Being right all the time and seeing only our perspective
10. Playing the victim card

Then, we can start doing things differently. We can change how we set up interactions, respond to our partner, approach our partner and generally organize ourselves so we create space to connect. Note that as you attempt to implement changes to your non-connecting-habits, you will find yourself and your partner resisting and undermining the changes - even if you both want to really connect! Don't trick yourself into thinking only you want to connect - your partner does too even if you can't see it!

Note: Our Top 10s, including those written by other professionals, provide insights and resources for individuals and couples at all levels of satisfaction in their life and relationship. They assist individuals and couples enhance their life, relationship, maintain changes, and nurture the relationship and themselves. The content of the Top 10s is just food for thought, a source of inspiration and ideas, and a resource. It is not intended in anyway to be therapeutic or a substitute for professional assistance. Refer to our full "Disclaimer and Conditions of Use" at the bottom of this page. If you believe you require further assistance than is provided here, please hire a Couple Therapist or other relevant professional. We specialize in working with Couples - contact us at 212-537-9055 or Click Here.

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