Understanding your partner does not have to become a major production. Here are the basic ideas about understanding them:

1. Put your own agenda, notions, response, complaints and rebuttals on hold
2. This is not about you even though it might feel that way specially if your partner sounds accusatory
3. Listen to your partner’s words without adding meaning to what they are saying; no mind reading and assumptions allowed
4. Don’t listen to agree or disagree, to problem solve, to look for loop-holes
5. There is no right or wrong – this is how your partner sees things
6. Listen to where they are coming from by putting yourself in their shoes, put their mindset in your head and listen from that perspective
7. Wait until your partner is finished expressing their point to show them you heard them
8. If they are long-winded you might want to stop them along the way to check-in and make sure you are following – see below
9. Repeat back to your partner what they said as closely as you can without passing judgment – just show them you heard what they said
10. Tell them how you understand what they are saying using their mindset information – remember you are just understanding not necessarily agreeing

When you use these guidelines you will understand your partner and you will show your partner that you understand them. From this loving and respectful place it is a lot easier to see eye-to-eye and get yourselves on the same page.

Being on the same page allows partners to ask for what they need and give what is asked. This helps partners meet each other’s needs and create a satisfying relationship.

Note: Our Top 10s, including those written by other professionals, provide insights and resources for individuals and couples at all levels of satisfaction in their life and relationship. They assist individuals and couples enhance their life, relationship, maintain changes, and nurture the relationship and themselves. The content of the Top 10s is just food for thought, a source of inspiration and ideas, and a resource. It is not intended in anyway to be therapeutic or a substitute for professional assistance. Refer to our full "Disclaimer and Conditions of Use" at the bottom of this page. If you believe you require further assistance than is provided here, please hire a Couple Therapist or other relevant professional. We specialize in working with Couples - contact us at 646-228-8782 or Click Here.

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