I frequently witness partners’ devastation when feeling stuck in their relationship. They share about their pain and hopelessness. They believe things are as good as they are going to get, and think there is nothing that can be done to change them.
The pain is great because if this is as good as it’s going to get, then they think they shouldn’t be in it. And, with that come feelings of failure, betrayal, resentment, anger, loss, sadness and such. In this dooms day perspective they perpetuate their pain…
What’s interesting is that this happens when they are triggered. If asked at other times how things are going, it’s usually far from dooms day. But, when we are triggered it is very easy to miss the forest for the tree. Partners put on blinders and only see the episode that hurt them or threw them off track, and all the previous similar ones.
They are great historians and skilled at threading this negative pattern… They focus on this one dimension of their relationship and refuse to see the rest that’s good, or even amazing.
When partners focus on what is not working as a theme and really harp on what goes wrong, they are setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are looking for things that don’t work. They are looking for their partner’s mistakes. They are looking for things that bother them. And, find they will because nobody is perfect.
They are hyper-vigilant and on alert against their partner… Donning this lens is nothing but self-and-other-defeating, relationship sabotaging, limiting and down right abusive of our Self and our Partner.
The ruminating on the events and interactions that hurt us just serve to retraumatize ourselves. It keeps us stuck in a negative thinking loop, that generates hurtful feelings and that keeps us from acting from our Authentic and Highest Self… This promotes nasty behavior towards our partner and neglectful behavior towards our Self. It is very difficult to set effective loving boundaries and maintain our self-care practice when we are in this place.
We are reactive, and sometimes don’t even realize it… If we continue to nurture our grouch, our lens gets dirtier and dirtier to the point where we lose our sight period. We lose our perspective completely. Then of course it’s hard to imagine there is coming back from the current experience or that something different is possible…
The first item of business here is to suspend all judgment, slow down the recursive thinking, and put ourselves on a time-out. Imagine you can hit a pause button where the movie can stop playing, do that… Do whatever it takes to stop ruminating, analyzing, fact-finding and the like…
This squirrely activity is just like you drinking the poising and expecting your target to die. Stop poisoning yourself! Do any activity that releases positive chemistry in your brain and helps you change your state. You are responsible for how you feel…
From this place you are more resourced and are now able to address your trigger. But don’t go at it until you are able to see your partner’s experience. If you can’t or as soon as you start thinking about it you get retriggered, then you are not ready to address this with your partner. Keep at this until you are ready. Otherwise, you’ll keep hacking at your bond and creating more damage that becomes harder and harder to repair.
Do whatever it takes to see things from your partner’s viewpoint and experience. Understand what is happening for them and the pain they are also in. Access your compassion for their side. Then you’d be ready to effectively and productively address the initial trigger.
Your job is to keep yourself in a resourced state as much as possible, or more and more, for your relationship to work. If you are intent on being right, being resentful for how you’ve been wronged, and upset then there is little chance to make changes in your relationship. Might as well quit now and save yourself a lot of aggravation. But, please know that this does not have to be your outcome! You CAN push through this veil and enjoy the Light on the other side…
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
The boundary in this instance is of containing yourself. If we refuse to take the hook our partner is casting and if we refuse to take ourselves on a ride, we minimize the damage we usually do. When a trigger happens, take a moment to regroup, change your state, gather what’s happening for you and for your partner, put it all in perspective and then you are ready to go back.
From a less escalated, regrouped, and resourced place you can more easily repair, get back on the same page, and move on. A key element here is that when you take your leave from the situation, that you still remain connected… Otherwise, the triggering continues…
How do you usually keep retraumatizing your Self? Make a commitment now to stop that! Give your Self a lot of love and compassion.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Regrouping!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Escalation-proof your relationship to prevent stuckness and hopelessness:
Make an agreement with your partner on how to implement time-outs to prevent escalations, and discuss how to reentry.
Identify items that easily put you in a positive state and integrate them into your routine.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
