Feeling disconnected from our partner and at a loss for how to change this, are very disempowering and painful feelings. Couples in this predicament struggle in all aspects of their relationship.
The relationship in general feels unsteady, questionable, elusive, untrustworthy, unsafe, scary or threatening. When we are disconnected we can’t tell up from down in the relationship. We struggle making decisions. We move slow in achieving goals, getting things done or getting anywhere.
We have the experience of being in a fog and of going around in circles. We feel exhausted, disenchanted, hopeless. This state impacts our self-esteem as we feel rejected, unwanted, unworthy, not good enough, not capable. This is even more poignant and obvious for the partner that’s the connector in the relationship…
At some level we wonder, How is it possible to not be able to Connect to the most important person in our life? This is painful. This is torture. This is hell on earth!
This is troubling because it doesn’t feel good to be alone in our relationship, and because life is more challenging when doing it alone. This is painful because in our humanness we are meant to be in connection, our brain is wired for connection. Not having connection is not meeting a basic human need.
And, I’ll go further and say that this is so painful because we are not meeting a basic Higher need. We are not meeting the need to be in our Partnership… In disconnection, we are not in Partnership… If we are not honoring our Partnership, we are missing out on its inherent gifts needed to live our Purpose…
But, it is not all lost. The reasons for the disconnect and how the disconnect manifests are part of the Journey in and of themselves… When we are connected the focus is on tapping into our synergy and doing amazing things. When we are disconnected the focus is on cracking the code on how to connect. In the cracking of the code we heal, grow and evolve preparing us for the next phase of our Life…
So, if you are feeling disconnected all is not lost. Reframe your situation and see the Gift in this. Be mindful to not engage your usual defenses for they keep you blind… Sit tight and take care of yourself. From a more resourced state you can approach your situation and relationship differently creating the conditions for change to happen.
Have compassion for yourself and your partner in all this. This is just a part of the Journey. When you get that, all this is MUCH easier…
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
When we feel disconnected two things are usually happening. One, one of the partners is trying really hard to connect but is going about it in such a way that it invites the opposite outcome than what’s desired. Two, the other partner is so busy protecting themselves and holding on to their independence that they disappear from the relationship. This invites the first partner to try harder to connect… And, so the cycle continues.
The key here is for both partners not to focus on what their partner is or isn’t doing, but on how they themselves are showing up… This is one of the most important concepts to wrap our mind around if our relationship is going to work, and work well…
Stop focusing on whether your partner is being nice, doing what they said they’d do, using the right techniques or skills, and such. And, most importantly stop keeping score and doing the tit-for-tat thing. Relationship math doesn’t add up! Instead focus on what you are doing to maintain the status quo:
– How do you continue to pursue, demand, criticize, attack, teach, suggest, control, be the boss of the other? It’s time you cut that out. You might think you’ve come a long way not pursuing, but if you are feeling disconnected in your relationship chances are you are still pursuing in some kind of shape or form… It’s time you really clean how you are operating. Get out of your partner’s circle! Your invading their space does not allow them to show up.
Instead work on meeting your own needs, and having compassion and understanding for your partner. No cajoling or helping them do their side, this is codependence… They need to do it. This does not mean not being supportive though. Some take this to an extreme creating other problems… You need to sit tight and appropriately address your needs…
– How do you continue to distance, withdraw, protect, disappear, be unavailable, shutdown, leave, dismiss, minimize? It’s time you cut that out.
You might think you’ve come a long way not distancing, but if you are feeling disconnected, or your partner is feeling disconnected [use this measuring for you might even be shutdown from your own feelings and needs…], chances are you are still distancing in some kind of shape or form… It’s time you really clean how you are operating. Get in your circle! All the protection you are doing is a temporary fix.
You are just postponing the work (healing, growing, evolving) that you need to do. It’s time to stop playing it safe. Life can’t happen if you don’t show up. And remember, showing up doesn’t mean forcing your side. Part of showing up means getting the other person’s experience and giving them compassion for it… This is the heart-led approach that moves mountains…
What will it be? Will you start really Living your life? To do so, keep cleaning how you are operating. You’ll be glad you did!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Connecting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Take a look at how your weeks go, how your days go, and how your daily routines go. What are your chances of crossing paths on a daily basis? I bet not that large unless you both stay home, work from home together or work in the same place.
This means that the opportunities to cross paths need to be created, and guarded. Being in the same place at the same time or touching base electronically does not necessary mean you create connection. Sometimes these interceptions actually create conflict and make things worse.
Some would take this as a sign to stay away. Don’t be tempted to that as that makes things even worse yet. Granted you might not be fighting but the distance is the same as not having a relationship, so what’s the point?
You are tasked with two things:
Teak the flow of your day and routine so you can have predictable and spontaneous interceptions.
Bring your nicest self, operating from a heart-led approach, to your interactions. Talk to your partner’s heart.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
