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When was the last time you were physically intimate with your partner? If you say a long time, you are not alone! A lot of couples share their sexual life is in the toilet. They struggle getting along, among other things, to the point that being physically intimate is the furthest thing from their mind. Getting along is a big priority for these couples. They experience a lot of fighting, a lot of distance or a rollercoaster of both.
The fighting can range from bickering, disagreeing, passive-aggressiveness to full blown screaming, degrading and even aggressive matches. Regardless of the intensity, these couples are in constant turmoil in their attempt to be seen, acknowledged, accepted and cherished. They feel as if walking on barbedwire. One client shared he felt as if his stomach was full of broken glass.
For some couples conflict is so intolerable that they just prefer to avoid each other… These partners experience a gripping black whole in their chest and a sense of dread when in disconnection with their partner. The partner that usually prefers to be in connection feels as if they are falling off a cliff, but both partners struggle with the gloominess and stagnation.
Part of the reason couples end up in this place is because they tend to focus on the negative. They assign negative motives to their partner. They insist on pointing fingers and being the expert in their relationship as opposed to being accountable for their own contribution to the situation. And, they love to point out their partner’s shortcomings. Being the recipient of this treatment just plain sucks.
Keep reading to learn how to break these undermining habits and create healthy ones instead. Appreciate and enjoy each other! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignmentto help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Partners love telling each other what to do, how to behave, how to be, what to think, how to feel, and even things like what to eat and how to dress! They are on a mission to change their partner, consciously or not. This is a sign of lack of boundaries and personal ownership. Partners love owning each other instead…
Owning each other disempowers both partners. The partners can’t be themselves... They have no control over what their partner does rendering them unable to create change if all the change is to come from their partner... In minding the other’s business they neglect to mind their own…
Partners love focusing on their partner and how much they stink, how they lack in some way. How they don’t do things, do things wrong, do the wrong things, and other goodies. The focus is negative. They don’t acknowledge, accept or cherish their partner. They don’t allow their partner to be themselves regardless of their warts.
Partners don’t own how they are inviting the behavior or attitudes that don’t meet their needs, what they are contributing to their situation, and how they are not being the ideal partner… This lack of boundary, ownership and accountability is detrimental to our relationship, our selfhood and our life!
It makes sense partners don’t believe change is possible, even though they are trying to change their partner! But, I’ve seen miracles happen when partners create space for their partner to be themselves, and focus instead on their own contribution to their life and relationship. They seem to have become different people and a different couple.
Change IS possible. We are not striving to change the core people. We are awesome just as we are. And, we don’t want to change our partner – that’s with whom we fell in love! On the other hand, we are striving to approach each other differently so we connect, meet our needs and support each other’s human Journey.
Keep reading for how to make change possible in your relationship and in our life. Learn to connive with each other! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Being seen and accepted for who we are is a basic need that specially plays out in our relationship. I find that the driver behind most conflict and dissatisfaction in relationships has to do with the partners feeling they can’t be themselves in one way or another.
Partners impart this message to one another in different ways: Giving open criticism, telling the other how to be and do things, being very helpful and taking over, undermining the other’s efforts, minimizing or dismissing the other’s experience, withdrawing from interactions and in other ways, not keeping promises, forgetting or not honoring agreements, refusing to compromise, interrupting or changing the conversation, making digs and I’m sure you can identify others. This (re)traumatizes partners and has a massive negative impact on the quality, and success, of their relationship.
Keep reading for instructions on setting up your system to support balancing we-ness and individuality in your relationship. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Employ a Groundhog Day approach to your system - keep striving for a masterpiece system with the knowledge that it's a work in progress and perfection doesn't exist.
BLOG POST: The Gift of Self Exploration & Expression
Often times partners share their wondering about how exclusivity, monogamy, and fidelity is possible in a longterm relationship. It is usually the male partners who pose this question when their female counterpart is not present.
I appreciate their honesty, risk and willingness to explore this topic and concern. I completely understand their plight. Unfortunately, this is often chucked to “boys will be boys”, “it is unnatural for a man to be monogamous” and the like making men appear archaic. I would like to believe that we are more evolved than this. That society is not caging an animal with marriage that when let loose it will wreak havoc. No, not “I would like to believe”, I DO believe that.
I believe that the primal impulse to conquer and be “king of the jungle” has evolved and moved to the career and money earning potential realm. This is why men who don’t feel comfortable in their level of success, as measured by society’s standards in this regard, are depressed, dissatisfied, “searching” and managing the associated pain by numbing themselves in some way. Yes, the “successful” ones experience some of this as well because they still don’t feel as the “king of the jungle” at some level… Their primary relationship is not meeting this need… I hear the uproar from women, feminists and social keepers… But, let these men loose and they are still not happy…
Keep reading to learn more about how this plays out with your partner, how to heal and prevent further trauma, and thrive in your relationship! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignmentto help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
There is no need to be archaic - transcend the limitations and embrace the possibilities!
BLOG POST: The Secret to Increasing Attraction and Loving…
When we are “too close”, whether we are getting along or not …, we can’t see each other. If we can’t see each other, how can we possibly decide if we like each other and feel attraction?
This concept is confusing to most, when we live in a society where relationships struggle and the ideal is based on fairy tales and believing our partner should be our best friend. This is wrong. We do not want our partner to be our best friend. This places them in the familial category which makes the relationship incestous. It makes sense that the attraction wanes, or doesn’t exist!
But even when we are not getting along, we might be too close for attraction and desire. We might think we are not feeling sexy feelings because we are fighting or are not seeing eye-to-eye. When in truth, we might not be feeling desire, because our energies and needs are enmeshed. This lack of differentiation is detrimental to relationships. It causes too much angst and erosion.
It’s an actual conundrum for partners as they need to experience separateness and differentiation to activate and maintain attraction, desire and passion (this is different from drama!), but need to experience togetherness and security to tolerate separateness and be able to thrive. This is where couples go wrong. They do funny business to juggle this dichotomy.
Keep readingto learn how to create a strong foundation and move on to create, sustain and enjoy desire and attraction in your relationship! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want. Enjoy more attraction, desire and loving today!
Couples usually end up accepting the lack of desire and passion in their relationship as a fact of life for a longterm relationship. They are not happy or satisfied with this, but their attempts at remedying their lack of (passionate) physical intimacy don’t usually succeed.
The reason for this is partners’ misconceived ideas about sex, intimacy, and each other, unrealistic expectations, body issues, attachment issues, unmet developmental emotional needs, judgement and criticism, and owning of each other instead of themselves. The resulting mindset has a huge impact on their libido and the couple’s sexual life.
In addition to addressing the above, couples can greatly increase their passion by actively monitoring and engaging their mind. “Sex is not something we do, is somewhere we go,” says MFT colleague Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity. We usually focus on what we are doing. It’s not about technique, the motions, or the positions. It’s about Being deep inside our Selves in our body and our imagination. It’s an expression of our Self. How can we desire or be desired if we don’t exist …, show up? It is our job to turn our Selves ON.
Learn how to do just that and get practical, hands on, steps on creating more desire and passion in your relationship, keep reading! Remember to look for the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Often times couples get so hang up in the business of running their life, attending to their family and other responsibilities, and working that being together, enjoying each other and having fun falls to the way side. This creates a terrible state of affairs where after a while couples forget how to have fun together … Too often I hear couples question whether they still have anything in common or if they ever did, wonder how to rebuild that into their relationship, and struggling with it once they do.Our partnership, long-term relationship or marriage, cannot be all business. This is the quickest way to fall out of love, take each other for granted, not feel each other or feel disconnected, get on each other’s nerves, lose attraction, and other crippling states.
It behooves us to make investing in our relationship a priority. This can take on many forms – nurturing gestures, spending quality time together, outings and trips, sharing dreams, completing joint projects, learning and using new relationship skills, building the tolerance muscle of allowing each partner to Be themselves and bringing that to interactions and fun time …
Create space to allow fun in your relationship and a system for making it happen!Watch the video to guide you in immediately incorporating fun in your relationship. Remember to look for the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
MEDIA: Bella Thorne's Candie's ads too sexy for 16?
Couples struggle the most when they have poor boundaries. When they tell each other, whether to the other’s face or in their own mind, how to be, how to feel, how to behave, what to think, etc. They are imposing themselves on their partner not allowing their partner to be themselves.
This causes the other to be cautious, unavailable, reactive, rageful, passive aggressive, flaky, and all kinds of ways that are not conducive to intimacy, togetherness, respect, peace and love. How can they feel close, intimate, accepted, appreciated and loved if they are told not to be themselves? How can two people know each other and be intimate if they can’t show up in their relationship? The trick is to allow the other to Be themselves, to accept them as they are, as scary as that might be …
Contrary to popular belief, this is not what will hurt you in the relationship … What hurts is what partners do to protect themselves from being told not be themselves! Talk about ironic.
Emma contributed to a piece by Kylie McConville on assisting couples stay sexy in their relationship.
"Seems like a no-brainer, right? Well, as simple as it sounds, it’s way harder to make time during the day that’s solely for each other. You need to have that time so that you can look at your partner as a person instead of just seeing them as a parenting partner. They’re not just “daddy” and you’re not just “mommy,” Viglucci explains. And though it sounds like a chore -- really, who has the energy at the end of the day to make more time for their partner when they could be sleeping? or folding the laundry? or eating your first real meal of the day! -- Viglucci notes that the time you spend in that adults-only, man-and-woman space will trigger all that pent up passion, attraction and sexuality. And maybe later, you can share that bowl of pasta that’s been calling your name all day." Read more ...